I was a catnip baby. A whole generation of kittens that were were predicted to suffer from severe, irreversible damage, including reduced intelligence and social skills. That is how I became your presidential candidate for 2008. Here is my sordid story.
My mother was a catnip whore. She prostituted herself for a leaf of catnip. My father (I come from a litter of 8 kittens) was a dealer. He kept his nip in a little bag around his neck. He abandoned my family before I was born. My mother, unable to manage 8 rambunctious kittens in her addled state, disappeared from the picture quite soon after my birth. I was the only one of my litter with the albinism that describes the Siamese cat. I was placed in a foster home for mixed kittens as I also had stripes on my legs. I was raised in a bread bowl on the kitchen table because I was so small and so hungry all the time from nip abuse – the thought was that if I was already on the table I could be fed at any time (besides I liked the bread bowl a lot). So much for my sordid beginnings.
As a young adult, I discovered I was addicted to catnip. That wasn't surprising. What was alarming to my foster mother was the fact that I would kill for a leaf of nip. Fortunately my mother intervened before I could slaughter any neighborhood cats and took me to Catnip Anonymous.
There is no cure for catnip addiction and the drug catnipabuse is not entirely effective in ending it. In Catnip Anonymous, I learned the 12 steps to recovery from addiction. I'd like to share them with you.
The Twelve Steps of Catnip Anonymous:
1. I admitted I was powerless over catnip. My life has become unmanageable because of it.
- 2. I came to believe that a Power greater than me could restore my sanity. That is when I joined the Feline Party of GOD and met the Great Cat.
- 3. I made the decision to turn my life over to the Great Cat as I understand him. The Great Cat has worked wonders with me and that is why I am now standing for President of the United States.
- 4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I listed out my resentments, fears and since I am neutered I skipped the sexual misconduct part. For many cats this can be a long and difficult journey. Given that I am four years old, I had to make amends with a few people. I found I was unable to forgive George Bush. I am still working on this. However, my campaign manager tells me without George's heinous acts for which he should be tried for murder, I would have no campaign. So perhaps I should give thanks to George for the impetus to join the race. After all, I felt that any one could do a better job than he, why not me?
- 5. Admitted to the Great Cat, to myself, and to my campaign manager the exact nature of my wrongs. I had very few so this was a short conversation with my handler where I promised not to wake up a 3 am for a hit of nip and the need to caterwaul afterwards no matter how good it feels.
- 6. I was entirely ready to have the Great Cat to remove all these defects of character.
- 7. I humbly asked the Great Cat to remove my shortcomings, which he did by giving me such a look that it terrified me and I hid under the bed for days.
- 8. I made a list of all persons I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. It was a long list. It took me several days to complete.
- 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. It cost me a lot of money. I guess you could say I had been busy in my short time on earth. Several refused to take my phone call.
- 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitted it. This was the most difficult part as I am always right about everything, including when it is lunch time!
- 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with the Great Cat as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. This started out very boring and then I started rubbing my eyes and the effects were wonderful; then I fell asleep.
- 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to catnip abusers, and to practice these principles in all my affairs. My friends say I have become very boring, but I ask you: Are these truly friends?
It has been seven days now and I have just stopped twitching. Eating has become my main focus. Do I feel serenity? Yes, but I keep falling asleep things are so damn boring.
Inspiring words for other catnip abusers:
Great Cat grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (unless I can get into them or under them and upend them); grant me the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to kill those things that get in my way particularly if it looks good to eat. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace (or at least outwitting them particularly if they are dogs); Taking, as the Great Cat did, this world (full of small furry things to eat and warm laps to sit on) as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that the Great Cat will make all things right if I surrender to His Will (hoping to transcend my ego and join with the infinite divine and become a warrior for enlightenment or as we cats know it the Hairbola movement); That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy joined with His infinite consciousness in all three worlds through all nine lives.
To find out more about my campaign for president go to: Creatures of the Earth.